My Journey Back to Faith

Leting your Light Shine without Shining it in Their Eyes and Mis-Judgements

2009-02-01T21:45:00.000-08:00

I'm really spilling my guts here, so please bear (bare?) with me, and know that any rude/mean comments will not be tolerated. I'm also very sick right now, and my head is filled with snot, not grammar.

I hate mis-judgements. When people either judge you before they give you a chance, or there is a miscommunication that makes someone think something about you that's not true. I've had more fights with my mom because she misunderstood me and I felt like she thought something about me that wasn't so than anything else (talk about a run on sentance. I just have no idea how to fix it!). I just cannot stand feeling like someone is thinking unjustly of me.

One of the biggest reasons I'm misjudged is because someone thinks that I judge them. To be more detailed, they judge me because they think I judge them because they have different ideals than I do. For instance, just because I am against abortion, it does not mean that I judge those who have had them. It's actually quite the opposite. I know that many, many woman regret their decision and it continues to haunt them¹. I can't imagine their pain and just want to give them a hug and be a friend that they so need.

I think that that is one of the big challenges for Christians. Trying to be in the world, but not of it. Trying to ignore the mis-judgements that others make (while still not being closed-minded). Trying to do good, but not have others think that they think they're "holier than thou". These are the main reasons I have so few friends...they judge me because they think I judge them.

And it is understandable that they feel that way. Many people, yes, including Christians, think they're better than others because of their beliefs, their actions, etcetera. But keep in mind that not all Christians are "bible bashing", judgemental people.

(When I say "Bible bashing", I am not refering to evangelicals or people who quote scripture, etcetera. I am refering to those who use the Bible as a weapon to demean others. Those who say "God says..." and claiming they know what "God says" when it is nowhere in the Bible, though sometimes the opposite is! Those who give Christians a bad name and pull people away from God while claiming they're doing the will of God. Those who say the scriptures are the way to heaven, yet conveniently avoid reading what God says in the book of Job about doing such things)

So these are my messages to you today-

Don't be one of those judgemental people I mentioned above who, in doing "the Lord's will", are actually pulling people away from God, and convincing them that He is that which He's not (making any sense whatsoever?). It's like this phrase I heard once: "I'm fine with God- it's Christians I can't stand" (Actually, I believe it's not just a phrase, but a book. Ah, yes, that's where I heard it...when I was looking for stuff to put on my Christmas wishlist!). I think that is true with so many of us. So don't go out there and convince people that they want to stay away from God in order to stay away from you =)

If less people were that way, then less people would assume they were being judged, and judge those who really weren't judging anyone in the first place.

But for the time being, there are people that are that way, so we need to go out of our way to give everyone a chance and not assume what's going on inside their heads or their hearts.

Please, never assume that if someone's ideals are different than yours that they think they're better than you. Give everyone a chance. And don't judge people, esspecially when you have not reason to believe they wronged you. Don't assume they want to demean you. You could be wrong, and it could be just the opposite, that they want to help you. And you may just find that by blocking them out, you missed out on a good friend.

~Alex

I Want to See Jesus

2009-01-01T01:46:00.000-08:00

You hear people state that they're a born-again Christian. Well, let me tell you, I'm a born-again-born-again-born-again-born-again Christian. So many times I've comitted my life to the Lord, but once again, somehow...I'm back at square one. Am I a procrastenator? YES. I am I control freak? GUILTY. Am I a nervous wreak? Well, depending on your definition of a "nervous wreak", quite possibly. And, am I lost? YES! But I am not giving up! I will overcome my "issues", I will overcome my fear. I will overcome my control issues, I will overcome my pain. Why? I want to see Jesus.

I don't know where I first heard that phrase. I believe it was in a song at church. But I never quite saw the complexity, the beauty, the power of that phrase. I thought it was saying, "I want to go to heaven". Maybe that's what the writers meant, but it's not what I mean. Sure, I want to go to heaven! But I want to...
find the peace
find the joy
find the hope
find the life
that the Bible teaches of.
I want to overcome the obsticals, the fear, the pain. I want all that. Yes, it sounds selfish, but it's the only way I can express it. I mean, maybe if I searched the Hebrew meaning of some words, and came up with some, what do you call them? Umm...those things that represent a paralell to make things make sense, (See how eloquent I am?) than maybe I could express it.

But what it all comes down to is I want Jesus. I need Jesus. Messiah, Alpha-Omega, Saviour, Prince of Peace, Great Shepard, Great I am.... What it comes down to is that... I need you, Lord...I need you, and I want to find you...and I will seek you, for you are seeking me. You died for me, and I want to live for you. So, Lord, please, hear my prayer, and open the eyes of my heart...I want to see You, I want to see You...

Side note- As I finished typing that, a song just came on the television...and as I'm sitting her, crying out to the Lord, I hear just what I needed...I can't quote it verbatumn, but what it came down to is, "Cry out to the Lord, and He will hear you". "The Lord works in mysterious ways"??? I think not =)

Long time, no blog...

2008-11-15T15:56:00.000-08:00

The title pretty much sums it up, I think!

I don't really know what to say today. Things have been going well, and I don't quite know what to attribute it to. I was hoping to be able to share tips & hints, but I don't think I really have any! Usually I run a blog post through my head a couple times before I post it, and I haven't done that today. Maybe something will come to me tonight...I'll try to post whether it does or it doesn't, though!

~Alex

Praise You in this Storm...

2008-09-27T21:17:00.001-07:00

I meant to write this last night, but didn't get a chance.
Anyways, last night (I don't know how to describe this...) I felt sort of, well, "peaceful"...not at peace, but just sort of content in myself. I don't know how this works or why, but I had sort of followed the song "Praise You in this Storm" The song goes like this:

(words by Mark Hall, music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms, performed by Casting Crowns)

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

So anyways, I was at phisical therapy and as I was doing this one exersize that reminded me of rowing, I sang the song "Fuja" (or so I thought, but apparently the lyrics are different maybe?) that I learned in Sunday School:

*Sing a little song* for Jesus you'll be right (ch-ch-ch ch-ch-ch)
*Sing a little song* for Jesus you'll be right (ch-ch-ch ch-ch-ch)

Oh! Fewa fewa hartina, fewa fewa kay-wa-oh

Goes on like this with *Sing a little song* replaced by "Do a little dance", "Sing real soft", "sign real loud", "shout AMEN!", "brush your teeth", "do homework", "Hug your friend", "help your mom", "make your bed", "clean your room" etc etc, then at the end, "end this song"

Later on (I was in a singing mood) when I was doing my semi daily walking with my walker (about 3o feet) in PT, I was singing "Walking in the Light". Which reminded me of another similar song, and another, and another...

So, anyways, I don't know exactly what I'm getting at, but I think it did me good to praise God in this storm...(I KNOW...too corny...I'm stinkin laughing my butt off about now...I'm sure God has a sense of humor...how could anything/one be perfect and not have one?) All day I've felt that feeling of approval. Even if it doesn't last, I think I'm on the right path...by far I have a loooonnnngggg way to go, but, I may be one step closer...a baby step, but still a step =) none the less)

~Alex

2008-09-25T22:33:00.000-07:00

I think one of my problems is the that everything seems so formal that it just makes me uncomfortable. So maybe I need to address Him in a less formal way? I mean there are a lot of things He's called, so maybe picking one of the more casual ones will help in my praying...some more casual-sounding names of the Lord:
Jesus
Immanuel
If Father seems a bit to "old school" you could even use "Dad" though I'm not quite comfortable with that right now...
Avi-’ad (Hebrew) (“Everlasting Father,” “Eternal Father”) (Isaiah 9:6)
Jehovah
Shiloh (Hebrew) (Gen. 49:10)
Y'shua (Hebrew) (“Jehovah is Salvation”) in my experiences it has been pronounced (YEh-shew-uh)

So maybe this will help me, maybe it will help you. Let me know!

A little background from my other blog~

2008-09-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

So yes, I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe He died for us. I however do not claim to know it all, or even half of it. Some days I'm "'high' on Jesus" and other days I miserably try have faith and sit there wondering "what's wrong with me? I can't do this! Christianity sucks!". I've sworn at God (seriously, yes, I have), I've rejected Him (multiple times), I've done all that and more. But at the same time, somewhere down inside me I know God is the God my mother told me about as a baby, a toddler, a young child and now as a young teen. He loves me. A LOT. He's my best friend. How you pray isn't as important as that you try. He LOVES you. He doesn't expect you to be perfect. He doesn't want you to be miserable, or sad. He LOVES you. He doesn't expect you to know everything. He LOVES you. All that matters is that HE LOVES YOU, and the rest will come.
Yet I still struggle. To have the faith I used to have...oh I would do anything for it! To just be content loving God and being loved by Him, confiding in Him, and doing things He'd like.

Oh man, I miss it so much...but I'll shut up now about that. On to what I started this blog for!

HERE I've found an article that gave me some insight to some things. I think I'll give this whole thing another try after this...I'll let you know how that works =)

Here are my favorite parts (basically I'm quoting it all LOL...sorry!):

I had read in the New Testament that "the wages of sin is death." I now realized that "wages" are not a gift or a punishment. They are simply what we deserve, the natural result of our work. On payday you don't go to your boss, get down on your knees and say, "Oh, please, be kind and generous and give me my paycheck." You expect to be paid. It is the natural result of doing your work.

This helped me because: It just sort of confirms what I've always said about my disease. He didn't put this upon me! Yes, He allows it, because of reasons we don't know, but He is not the source of my suffering! And guess what JDMS? Guess what Asthma? Guess what everything-else-that's-afflicting-me? I'm GLAD I've gotten to suffer through it. I am a better person from it. Mary had to suffer through critisism, hate and judgement, but how else would Jesus be born? Look at what good has come from the pain =)

I had always said: "If God created man and man has an evil side to him, then why should God blame man for acting the way He made him?" (In the long run it seemed as though evil were God's fault, not man's).

But as I studied further, I saw that God had created man with freedom to respond to God's love and love Him back. For love to be real, a person has to be free to choose to love (and free to choose not to). For example, I want my wife to freely choose to love me, not to be forced into it.

If God had told Adam, "Here, do anything you ant. There is nothing you can do that would be wrong," then there would have been no way for Adam to express his love and obedience toward God. If nothing was forbidden, then Adam couldn't choose to obey God since there would be no possible way to disobey.

So God gave Adam a choice. He said, "Don't eat from this tree." The moment God said that, the tree became "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil." I think the tree was a neutral object from God's point of view. He could just as easily have said, "Don't touch that stick" or "don't pick up that rock." Then we would have had the "stick" or the "rock" of the knowledge of good and evil." Until this time Adam had never personally chosen good or evil. If Adam had chosen to obey, he would have gained a personal knowledge of God. As it was, he chose to disobey and gained an experience of evil.

In choosing to disobey God, Adam died spiritually. In turning away from God's command, Adam's intimate fellowship with God was broken - his "spiritual eyes" went dead and he could no longer experience God.

But guess what? Jesus gave us NEW LIFE! Ta-da!

In the physical realm we know that some damage (such as radiation) can be so profound that a genetic mutation takes place and every generation after that is affected. Something like "spiritual mutation" took place when Adam sinned, and everyone since that time has been born physically and soulishly" alive but spiritually dead - cut off from God.

My first thought was, "This seems unfair. That means I have to suffer for something Adam did thousands of years ago." But I soon realize that there were many times when I had consciously chosen to do things that I knew were wrong. If I hadn't inherited spiritual death, I would have cut myself off from God through my own choices! And I saw that God couldn't just forgive or overlook man's sin - to do so would take away his freedom and make him less than human.

Uh, yeah...that makes a lot more sense now!

I learned that Jesus not only died physically on the cross--He died spiritually. While Jesus hung there, God the Father reached back in time and took the spiritual death that had been generated by Adam and those who came after him and placed it on Jesus Christ. Then (because He created time and lives outside of it) God looked forward in time and took all the spiritual death generated by you and me and all the other men and women who will be born until the end of time and put that death on Jesus too.

Now I could see why Jesus cried, "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken Me?" He was experiencing to the fullest the spiritual death generated by countless men and women throughout the ages. He literally experienced spiritual hell on the cross as He was cut off from God, even though He committed no sin and was not deserving of death. He actually died spiritually in our place.

One thing, continued to puzzle me. I could see how Jesus, if He lived a perfect life and therefore was never unplugged from God, could die spiritually for one other man's sin (and it seemed logical that He would have to stay dead eternally). But I couldn't understand how Jesus as one man could possibly die and stay dead for only a few days - the Bible says He was resurrected three days later - and still manage to pay off several billion eternities of separation from God.

I found the answer while I was a student at San Francisco State College. I asked a math major who lived in my dorm about this, and he replied, "You've forgotten that Jesus, though Hew was in human form, was actually the infinite God. If He had suffered spiritual death for even 10 minutes, He would have generated more than enough death to pay for the 100 billion eternities of separation from God. Remember He was giving up infinite life, and infinity multiplied times anything still equals infinity."

Why didn't I think of any of this before?

Why, if Jesus' death paid for all the spiritual death for all the ages, do men still experience separation from God? Then I realized that God still can't violate our free will without making us subhuman. God has gone to great trouble and sacrifice to provide forgiveness for us and to restore us to fellowship with Himself. Forgiveness and a new spirit are free gifts that He offers us. If we refuse His gift, we will continue to experience spiritual death, and when our physical life ends, we will be cut off eternally from God and His love.

Those who accept Christ's death as payment for their spiritual death are given new "spiritual eyes". They are again complete in body, soul and spirit. For the man who has this new nature within him, physical death is no threat. When the soul sheds the physical body, the man himself continues to grow and have fellowship with God through His spirit.

Thank you Allen Scholes for writing this stuff out... This really has given me a new understanding of things... Maybe it's coincidence that at 1:18 AM on a school night I'm still up on the computer (because of feeling the need to be on just a little longer, waiting for "something") and came across your article, or maybe it's God. Either way, you've been a blessing in my life.

Introduction

2008-09-25T00:21:00.001-07:00

I'm struggling in my faith. I'm desperate to get back to the LOVE I felt in Jesus, the content feeling, the "everything's going to be OK". I WILL get back there. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but every journey starts with one step. And this is it.

I've been told I'm a great writer (HA! Right now I'm not, but it's 1:27 am. And I'm really not trying ~~hard~~ at all) but when it comes to prayer, well, forget it. So, I've decided to write my prayers. Hey, He didn't say that wasn't allowed, did He? The point is to make the attempt, correct? So, this is my attempt.

I also want to take the journey with you. I'll tell you what's helping me, you tell me what's helping you. Also because I make friends better online and know I can't do this on my own. And if I end up doing it that way, well, I'll talk (er, type) to this blog and pretend it's listening. (Hey, whatever works! I do it on my other blog, too!)

Well, I could write more, but it's now 1:31 am, and I certainly know God probably wouldn't want me up this late on a school night (I have a good excuse why I'm up. Don't jump my case please!). Not to mention with 3 immunizations yesterday, my already weakened immune system probably doesn't need this. So I'm going to end this blog now, and go to sleep content that I'm making the first official step on my "Journey-2-Jesus".

I'll tell you a bit about me tomorrow, but until then, sleep tight and good gosh, get some sleep!

Alex(andra)